I find antique typewriters hot. Yes really. Vintage cheesecake shots, hot. The Hysterical Literature that Marissa wrote about, women reading and coming- so fucking hot. Butches. Tattoos. Piercings. Leather. Porn. The picture of Dorothy Allison holding a shot gun makes my legs shake it’s so hot.The writing I’m reading on the m blog- hot. And at the same time I’m walking with ice cubes frosting the sex in me. Danger. Siren sounds in my head. Uh oh. Shut it down man.
Boundaries. I hate that word.
It reminds me of high maintenance and therapy speak and overly white washed white people, rooms, sterile and dry. It reminds me of trauma and life as part of an amalgam, part of the hive mind, coming out of a place where nothing belonged to me and I didn’t get to say shit about shit.
Is there a way that boundaries can be hot? Like what if I never had to sweat my sig/o g/f hot butch- fill in the blank cuz partner makes me yawn, breaking my boundaries. What if boundaries were a given and I was just golden in safety.
Would I be perpetually in heat?
There is something that happens when a simple here is what I need you to do or not do is smashed or ignored or stepped on like a hot roach smoked down to dust and ash, that turns everything to shivering and darkness. Clicked off. Shut. it. down. Sometimes I manage to carve out a little safe spot to tuck all of my desire into and hide it till I’m ready to pull it out for me. Stake my territory on my own sex again. Reclamation masturbation.
I’ve been reclaiming shit forever. I’m getting tired of it. What would it be like not to have to think about it ever again? Would the sexual world of my body be all eager and open and wet and hard and ready for anything?
Because if the bedroom is all consent driven, even if you are into risk aware kink and want to forget that consent word, even it what makes you hot is all the edges that are sharper than a paper cut, knowing you are in agreement, that the other person or people in the room are not going to pull the rug out from under you while you are walking that edge to explosive joy or pain or coming or ____ fill in the blank, maybe that’s how you get to let go in the first place. Maybe consent is how we get to danger if it’s danger that gets us off.
If I can’t say do what you want but not X and you do X anyway then I am gone again. Polite sure. I’m here but I’m not and sex is just not going to happen. I can’t flip that switch again. It’s been rewired too many times as it is. It’s lived on a hair trigger. It’s been smashed to pieces by big boots walking all over the do what you want but don’t…tickle me, throw eggs at me, spit on my face, or do spit on my face- it doesn’t matter. It’s broken then. What is the it- the trust?
I want to just throw up this subject is torture to write about. But yeah, the trust is gone, the okay to close my eyes around you because I know you will or you won’t do this important thing so I can breathe I can loosen the limbs, I can throw the switch back to on and get juice moving back below my waist. I can look at you without wanting to punch you in the face because this is broken boundary 6 million and seventy here and enough already.
And the fatigue that comes with this shit is huge. It is icing me down to self frigidity. I don’t want to fuck, I don’t want to come. I want to rest somewhere soft and easy for awhile. I want to slowly sharpen all my teeth and sandpaper my edges for safety. I want to rabbit away from you and from sex forever.
Which pisses me off. because I love sex. And I love orgasms. And it’s god damned national masturbation month. So maybe boundaries can be hot. Or the secret to hotness. Because without them, without the consent of my head my clit is dormant and still. I need them. Not a lot, just a couple that are set in stone till I unset them. I get to say.
I should get to say without being mean to myself about it but I’m not that evolved. I’m aways going to feel like an asshole for talking about it. That’s the status here in the masturbatory body. Shut down. I’m working on getting it back. It will happen because I like it too much for it not to. In the meantime stay tuned for a list of things I am finding hot this week with links so you can see them too. And maybe, an orgasm. It’s on my to do list.